Two Hearts

27 03 2013

We have two hearts. The Physical one that pumps blood and then the “Heart” Which er both use everyday.

I had open heart surgery on April 22nd 1998 when I was just 11 years old. I didnt know who God or Jesus was. I mean I heard of them but by no means did I have a relationship with Him.

So often we entrust our physical well being including our heart to God weather we trust that he will provide the right doctors to help or if it is just a supernatural healing.

However I do know that I have a tough time entrusting God with my “heart” I know He can heal me physically, but I feel like I have a tough time entrusting Him to heal my emotional heart. I have tried many things to fell this void in my heart. From porn, women, gambling, shopping(Yes, I love to shop) and even just hanging out with friends. Some of these things are sin and others aren’t but ALL are substitutes for the spot in my “heart” that is meant for God. I think of my heart like a puzzle. If you have the right pieces than it fits perfectly. God is the outer edges of the the puzzle that holds everything in and if we try to make those edges out of something else we don’t end up with a heart but just a jumble of mess.

God can heal our “Hearts” no matter what has happened to it in the past. If we were abused both psychically and emotionally or if we have have been the abuser and have a tough time forgiven ourselves, God can heal it all. We are not bound by our past unless we dwell on the past. We cannot change the past, just the future. We just need to put all our trust in Him, the one that saved us and the one that loves us.

I feel like this happens to a lot of people besides just myself. We may not be living in Sin but we aren’t allowing God to occupy the places He belongs.


Listen to the Lord

17 01 2013

So many times we as people forget that our actions have reactions.  I have done some stuff recently that I am not proud of and hurt someone’s feelings that I wish I didn’t. At the same time I finally actually listened to God.  I always wanted a relationship and I thought I was ready but God made it clear to me that I am not ready and in fact I am farther away than I could have even imagined.

This is all because I decided I was ready and was taking the steps towards that.  Someone actually opened their heart to me and I hurt it.  The one thing I didn’t want to do.  At the same time I’m glad I ended it when I did because first it was what God was telling me and I haven’t listened to His voice in a while and secondly if I kept going it would have hurt both of us even worse.

This is the time I must “Trust in the Lord with all my Heart and lean not on my own understanding but in ALL my ways acknowledge Him…”So that He can direct my way.  

New Testimony

12 11 2012

I posted this in my other blog and although I already have one in this blog, I like the way this one is written.

I am about to post my testimony.  I didn’t want to post it on this blog as I already have another one with it but I feel like I need to on this one too.

Our past is our past. It does shape our future, not in what we will become but in what we wont become. My testimony could mean lose of friends or gain in respect or both or neither, but my testimony will give glory to God.

Like many growing up I was picked on either because of my speech or my weight. Like many it caused me to have low self-esteem. That is not the worst that happened to me. The worst thing that happened to me was a choice I made, when I first looked at pornography. I was around 15 or 16.

It wasn’t a surprise that my dad give it to me, but it was a choice I had and I did what I shouldn’t have. Little did I know this would start a whirl wind of depression and shame. Every year my addiction grew along with my self esteem lowering.

By the time I was 18 it was worse than I could have imagined. At this same point I was feeling a pull to go to church. I was living at a homeless shelter at this time and so I went to a church that a volunteer did the worship at. I went a few times but was too afraid of how the congregation would react if they found out this secret of mine. So what did I do I ran. This happened from church to church.I was ashamed and depressed. God couldn’t accept me for what I did, could he? These people are perfect and I’m not.

When I was about 21 I went to my mom’s church same thing happened I went and swear I would never go back, but wouldn’t you know God had another plan for me. A few months later, I ended up moving back to my home town literally less than a ¼ mile from my mom’s. Would you know it every week I asked my mom if I could go to church with her. This had to be power from God after all I swear I wouldn’t go back to this church. About 3 weeks after going there a missionary was speaking it was April 23rd 2008, and that is the day I accepted the Lord into my life. A few more weeks passed and I finally opened up to someone about my struggle, the Pastor. To my surprise he told me it is not uncommon in the world for someone to have this addiction. Then he told me that even in the christian community it is a problem. I thought it couldn’t be that big after all, I never heard anyone talk about it. Then I talked to the elder and he told me the same thing. I was amazed were all this people I’ve seen in all these Churches acting happy? Later I would learn that their joy came from the Lord.

Again a few months passed and now it is August 2008 and I realized I need help to fight this. I ended up in September 1st 2008 going into a Christian Rehab called Teen Challenge. There is where my life would change. I would have to give my testimony but I would never give the real one and would give a testifony. Until one day God opened my heart, I was out on a Choir and I felt the need to give my real testimony for the 1st time. Once I did I was amazed with the release of pressure that came. The Holy Spirit moved in a way that was in a way words cant explain, just felt.

I graduated Teen Challenge in December 2009 and stayed as a staff. I left there in June 2011 to come to Southeastern. When I got here I didn’t tell anyone my testimony until one night I felt like I needed to tell my group of friends both guy friends and girl friends. I thought for sure some would go running but everyone stuck by my side.

Through all my 26 years on this Earth, I never realized that my past was my past. 2ndCorinthians 5:17 stats it the best “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ he is a new creation the old has gone but the new has come.” Although we are a new creation in Christ we cannot be ashamed of who we were because it is who we were that will help us to minister to others. How would I be able to minister to those that have been through addiction of any kind or even depression if I hadn’t gone through it. We all have our past and with that we can help others.  

Addiction, Sin, Love

18 10 2012

Addiction is an Addiction.

Sin is a Sin

And Love is Love.


An addiction is an addiction. It is all you can think about. Everything you do is to get the next big rush. Whether it is Drugs, Alcohol or even Sex it takes control.


Sin is Sin. It all leads to the same place hell. Whether is be rape, murder or even stealing and lying. It all lead to the same judgment.



Love is Love it is not lust or “like”. “Love is patient,love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.Love never fails.”


So let Jesus be your addiction. Let him take your sin and let love shine in and thru you.


27 09 2012

Backsliding a state in which a saved one goes back to their ways before their salvation and feels even more regret than before they accepted Jesus. This is a state in which many people when they get there often have a harder time coming back to Christ because of the guilt and shame they have caused.

Often people have debated that if one is in a backsliding state that they in fact of lost their salvation. I personally have a very mixed feeling about this. As one that is coming out of a backslid state I cannot say that I lost my salvation but rather rejected it. This is a choice I made compared Christ taking it from me. As soon as I wanted it back, it was right where I left it at Jesus’ feet, when I turned my back on Him. The next question I have gotten when people have found out that I have been in this state is “What happened that you stopped doing what was right?” I have to respond with the truth which could be answered with the question “I stopped doing what was right. I stopped getting into Jesus’ word known simply as the Bible and stopped praying.” This is not an easy thing to admit to the World that I have failed. Many people that have known me for years would not be surprised and might tell you that I am a failure. This is even what I feel as I am coming out of this state, but Christ’s word says different. It doesn’t say that when a sheep goes astray that He doesn’t do anything because they are a hopeless failure but rather He goes after them. He came after me but not in a way that I would have liked. I got kicked out of my mom’s house because of the stupidity that I did, then afterward my friend bailed on me that I was supposed to stay with, but God allowed that all to happen so that I could go back to where I started at Teen Challenge. God had to “break my leg” to keep me from wondering even more. Once I was heal a little I was able to come back to Him some more. I still haven’t made it all the way home to His arms, but either way He is calling me and holding His arms out for me and has a feast ready for me. So parting all denominational difference aside as far as eternal security and take it from someone that has gone astray and “Don’t every leave the arms of the loving Father that called you once. Don’t test him and continue finding the joy and love that is Christ.” You have been warned please don’t test the limits.

Two 4 one

21 09 2012

This week my aunt passed away. She was only 52 years old. This was a shock to my family. It has got me thinking about how short life really is and how it can be taken from us at anytime. To think that Im half her age and I could be on my last half of my life; that is if I make it to 52 again I dont know when my time will be up, but I don’t want to have any regrets. I don’t want to hold anything back anymore. I don’t want my fears to be my road blocks and then wonder what would have happened if I just dealt with it. This is a tough time for me but I know I will get though it.

I have sown off dating this semester. It has not been as hard as I thought, but it is getting tougher. I don’t want to give up but this one has been stirring my heart for a while. Ever since I laid my eye upon hers, I wanted to know her better. It wasn’t lust it was purely her beauty. It took me a while just to say “Hi” to her outside of class. I never thought we would be called friends. This is one of the friends I hope will never pass. She is one of those friends you know will be there when you need them.


Love Vs Fear

22 08 2012

I dont know if many or any will agree with this statement but today in a time of prayer and worship it came true to me.

We shouldn’t “fear” people into salvation, but “love” them into it. Not leading them to accept Jesus out of fear from hell, but rather leading them to accept Him out of His love for us.

I say this because for me, I feel like I wasn’t lead to accept Jesus out of fear. Rather once I accepted Him, I was worried about going to Hell more then I was with spending time with Him. In eternity we are going to be enjoying our time with God and not worrying about if we are going to Hell. In Hell the greatest pain we will have is that we aren’t with God anymore. I know from personal experience that once I took my eyes off the eternity that I will have with God and focused it on weather or not I was going to go to Hell, is when I started to stumble and eventually I fell. I now realize that I need to put my focus on Christ and Him alone.

Even if the World says that it is okay to fall, God doesn’t. Christ says “Yes, you messed up. However I am here for you and will forgive you if you come to me with a truly repented heart.” True repentance is truly a hard thing to do. I am staying this because one first needs to realize how bad off they are without Jesus in their lives before they will turn their lives back over to Him.

Anyone can tell you it is not an easy thing to admit when you fell, but if by sharing this can help someone else it is well worth it. When we fell and hide it from others we are not only hurting ourselves but others. If we do not share with others, they too may fell into the same traps. I want to help a helper and not one that hinders another. So please if you have overcome share if you, haven’t realize without the one who created you you wouldn’t be here, and if you haven’t fallen take this as a WARNING.

I could use prayer as I am right now this day trying to turn my focus back over to Christ and nothing else. Thanks and God Bless